A Tragic Anniversary

Today is the one year anniversary of my father-in-law's death. The night was rather like any other of my nights alone in New York originally. I had worked late, my phone was about to die and I had just arrived home when my cell phone rang. It was my wife in an aggravated state, which is rather rare for her. She told me her mother had called to say her father was in an ambulance being taken to the hospital and she would call with more details as soon as she knew any. My first reaction was I suppose what anyone's would have been. I told my wife her father was a young, active man barely in his fifties, so likely he would be fine. I said there was no reason to panic until we had an actual reason and that since her mother had called for care immediately, the odds were in his favor. I asked if she wanted me to find a way to North Carolina, but she had calmed down a bit and really seemed to feel better. It was at that moment her mother clicked through on the other line.

My wife came back in tears just telling me to come there. Unfortunately, unexpectedly, her father had passed away with no warning and no chance to say goodbye. It was too late for me to find a flight, but I was able to rent a car from LaGuardia Airport. I threw my suit and a few other clothes in a bag, hailed a cab and tried to just listen to my wife cry as long as possible before my phone died. At some point, she had to go talk to her mother, I got to the airport, hopped in my rented Prius and started my trip. From there, it was basically a series of small disasters. I stopped at a gas station right outside the airport for a cup of coffee, got lost in Long Island and had to have my mother direct me to a bridge using google maps, drove through the night thinking I could make it to Durham and ran out of gas 4 miles from a gas station in Southern Virginia, called 911 in order to be driven to buy a gas can by an 18 year old highway patrolman, and finally arrived in just enough time to get on a plane.

Unfortunately during that week American Airlines, the primary carrier into OKC, was forced to shut down most of its small flights due to a maintenance error, meaning we were going to fly into St. Louis, rent another car and drive into Norman. After a short nap on the plane, we got back in the car and, on the fuel of adrenaline and more gas station coffee, finished the 7 hour drive into Norman. It was a great relief for my wife to see her mother, be near her younger brother and know she was home. It was late Thursday night, April 10th and in the next few days we had many things to organize, though first and foremost my wife needed to see her father for the first time that morning. He had been a much beloved educator/administrator/coach in schools both near Norman late in life and in Southern Oklahoma near Durant in his youth. So, we had memorials and viewings in both places, funeral arrangements to make, tribute photos to put together, as well as all the little bits of bureaucratic business that come with properly dealing with a death.

On top of this, my mother-in-law had actually been very ill the previous week with both an infection that put her in the hospital and a knee injury that caused her such pain she had been put on fairly strong medication. Between that and everyone's grief, I just wanted to keep us going and get everything done that was necessary. Of course, amazingly my mother-in-law had organized most everything during the day we were traveling, so my job mostly consisted of trying to keep the house running, driving the 2 hours back and forth to Durant sometimes twice a day, and coping with any setbacks or new business that arose. I just kept trying to survive on more and more gas station coffee and be there for everyone as much as possible.

My father-in-law had literally just passed as he sat down in the living room next to my sleeping mother-in-law while my brother-in-law ran upstairs for just a second to put down his things from school. That split second later my brother-in-law came downstairs, saw his father not breathing, and woke his mother. They called 911, started CPR, waited for the ambulance and did all they could to save him. The shock of observing this and losing someone in this way effected both of them, though in some sense being there for the end helped them cope. My wife had been at such a distance unaware of what was going on, it was hard to deal with the loss. Seeing her father helped, but I had never known her to experience such sadness.

Personally, while planning the funeral, finding things to wear to all the memorials we had not packed for, arranging for business, etc., I thought a great deal about my father-in-law. I knew him as a mostly silent man who primarily interacted with me by making jokes occasionally and ensuring all my dirty clothes were clean and folded each morning before I woke up. Ironically, one of the only serious things he ever said to me was simply, "I love you," which I believe he truly did and showed in the quiet way he knew how. As I somewhat became the one that someone needed to be the one to care for the dogs, deal with the laundry, make the coffee in the morning, get people from point A to point B, I realized just how much he did for all of us while we were there and became saddened even further.

Ironically, as silent as I knew him to be around the house, apparently at his schools he was exactly the opposite. Students from his small school in a mostly rural community, both old and new, told of all the frank conversations he had with them about troubles they were having or what they should do after graduation. They knew him to be a warm, open, communicative person who loved all of them and would open his door at any time to talk them through any problems. These students experienced such a loss, they were all visibly shaken and the community banded together to put together a huge memorial within a day. The school shut down and everyone turned out to pay tribute through pictures, stories or simply their tears.

The next weeks and months were hard on my wife and her family. Besides dealing with their grief in a personal way, death at such a young age can be rather complicated since rarely have people taken steps to fully settle their affairs. For me I mostly contemplated about how life and love is rather complicated. I knew my father-in-law loved me but I desperately wished I had known him as a teacher. I wished my wife had known that part of her father better. She of course knew he loved her deeply because he was always there for everything she did, but it had been a while since they had actually talked and it was hard not to have had the chance to really say goodbye. I make no claims that my father-in-law was perfect but do believe him to have been a good man. He was very giving to everyone around him, though I think there was a bit of a sadness that he was not known the same way at home. I suppose the sad contradiction in life is that by necessity those we love the most are those who will feel the deepest hurt from our actions at times. Indeed, as humans we are all bound to show the worst of us to those around us at some point, and the ones most effected by it will be those who love us enough to expect our best. To my father-in-law's credit, he did his best to be there for those he loved, even if he did not always know how to tell them before he left.