The Aquacities of Thought and Language

So, I almost titled this post "What Condition My Condition Is In," but for some reason I felt compelled to go with the words of James Joyce over those of Kenny Rogers. The bottom line is that lately I have been having rather vivid dreams filled with the presence of water in some form. Upon researching this, I found out of course Freud felt all water dreams had something to do with sexual repression. Sadly, I am not in a position to refute that claim at this point in my life, however it definitely feels like more than that. In Joyce's Ulysses, there is a passage referring to the qualities of water such as “its universality…. constancy … vastness … restlessness … independence … variability … quiescence … devastation … sterility … ubiquity … metamorphoses.” All of these seem somehow apt descriptions of the way I feel about my life currently. I am constantly adrift between languages, friends, homes, projects. Everything is in a state of flux and has been for as long as I can remember. I feel great uncertainty in my personal life and my professional life.

However, water is also a large part of my childhood memories. I recall the warm waters of Lake Tenkiller in the summers, the oranges and pinks reflecting off the still water as the sun rose, the mid-morning sounds of waves gently lapping against the rocky coastline behind those of laughter and chatter as the rest of the campsites woke up, the cool clear waters of our secret swimming spot in Pine Cove during the afternoon and the pleasure of watching the sun set over the water after dinner with absolutely nothing on my mind except appreciation for the setting. So, it could be my subconscious wishing for a simplicity I have not felt for some time and projecting those wishes onto that particular time in my life.

The truth is that I actually quite like these dreams involving water. The rhythm of the waves, the engulfing warmth of the water, the powerlessness I feel, all of them are comforting and really quite relaxing. For whatever reason, water is a powerful force I continue to desire more of in my life, and I have explored it through hiking to waterfalls all over the world, diving in the Caribbean, kayaking in Southern California, sailing in New Zealand, rafting in the Canadian Sierras, walking along the beach in Marin, floating in the Mediterranean, paddling down a river in Oklahoma and standing in awe of the pristine waters of Crater Lake. Some of these things I have done completely alone and some with people I love dearly, and each left me feeling small but content with my place in the world. I suppose we will see what dreams I have this evening, but I hope water is involved somehow. Of course, flying is also pretty cool.